Am I Being Needy? I Want To See My Long-Distance Partner More Often


s: I I met this guy on TinderAnd we went on two dates. I fell in love with him instantly! He lives abroad so we didn’t get much time with each other. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with long-distance relationships, but he convinced me that if we were committed to each other, it could work out. We have been dating for five months now. I feel like I’m being cheated on because I don’t see him as regularly as he promised. I don’t want to sound illogical, but I told him at first that I wanted a mate. In the five months since we’ve been dating, I’ve seen him twice. I really love this guy. We talk daily and he calls me by video in the evening, but I still want more. Do you think I need?

a: Let me assure you (and anyone else who is concerned about it) that it is 100% okay to be “needy”. In fact, I am not convinced that there is an actual formal line between need and wants. And if someone is judging the place of the line? We all have things we need help with! It’s part of the deal to be human! You probably don’t need to feed every two hours in the middle of the night like a newborn, but your needs are as real and relevant as anyone else. Emotional needs such as closeness and intimacy, which you seem to be missing here, are just as important as tangible needs.

What you also wonder about, which people ask me the most, is “Am I sane?” It’s one of the most common questions I receive, and it often comes from people who are socialized as women. And my answer is seldom, “No, you’re totally irrational! Why do you think you can or should ask?” It’s not that everyone who writes to me is a perfect angel with absolutely the best prospects and no flaws (although this is also true). It is, again, logical that you have needs, limits, and standards in relationships with others. This in itself is Logical. None of these things are prescribed. What works for me does not work for you. One time my friends and I had a great discussion about whether or not your partner slept in a friend’s bed after a long night of drinking (assuming the friend was of one gender, or one of the sexes, they are attracted to) cheating. Some people were assertive that it was an absolute mistake and that they would feel sad. Other people said, “I don’t think I’d care at all.” Others chose circumstances. In fact, everyone was rational.

The key to expectations is communicating them to your partner. You can have what you think are the most natural and clear assumptions on earth and your partner can have a very mixed idea of ​​how to get things done. (My friend puts bread in the fridge, for hell’s sake!) Looks like you’ve had at least one discussion about how long it’s going to work for the two of you — he promised something, according to you. And that’s not happening, so now is the time to talk again.

Use this conversation to talk about expectations that go beyond visiting schedules. Discuss where you see this, because frankly, Long distance without an agreed expiration date Doesn’t really work. There is a big difference between “We live in two different countries and have no clue when we can be together, if at all possible” and “We live apart for 18 months, but then he moves to my city where we have X plans to live and work”. State what you want and why. Explain how you feel and be open! If you can’t be painfully vulnerable with the person you’re with, that’s a bad sign. Ask about things and listen to your partner. What is the reason for not fulfilling their promise? Is it financial? Is it because they have doubts? What is the real reason?

Now, how often is it “reasonable” to ask the two of you to meet each other face to face? I have no idea! I don’t know what it means overseas. Perhaps one of you lives in Mexico and the other in Germany. This is very different from, say, New Zealand than Australia, which is also technically overseas. I don’t know how much you earn or how often you can afford to start the business. But I don’t know anything An important detail. The question you both have to answer together is “Do we spend all our free time and extra money possible on visiting each other, or just some of it? And if it’s just a part of it, how much is right for us?” agree to?”

I’ll say this: It’s hard to have a healthy, happy, long-distance relationship with someone when you’ve never built a business together in the same city. People did it! People will continue to do that! Difficult does not mean impossible! But it requires more Communication skills, extra honesty, extra vulnerability, extra confidence. Don’t just trust that your partner isn’t cheating on you; I don’t mean it in such an easy way. I mean trust you both are working on the same thing. Trust that the twin heartache of loneliness and longing is worth it. You don’t have physical intimacy, fun times, or everyday moments to look back on. There is no easy situation. It’s a tough situation all the time. Even the times when you’re together in person can easily turn into high-octane, adrenaline-fueled rushes. There is pressure to have fun and feel loved on demand.

It’s hard to build a real relationship within those parameters. (The stress is, perhaps obliquely, on the pain side.) A lot of work. And when people say relationships require work, they don’t mean it’s like building a Van Gogh Lego set, which takes hours and hours but ultimately has fairly low instructions and risks. They mean that it is an emotional, ugly, painful act that makes you learn about yourself through experiential situations that might portend a broken heart. The opportunity now appears to do some of that work. Don’t be shy – that’s how assured destruction lies. Step up to a plate if you feel the relationship is worth it. Work on it, show up, ask for what you need, listen to your partner, and ask them to listen to you. Mess. Try again. Listen more seriously. Keep working. Cry for your best friend. Eat a really good donut. Try again. This is how all relationships last, no matter the distance, you don’t have as many little cheat codes to refer to as people who share the same couch every night.

It’s fun showing up here every Thursday. If you have a question about sex, dating or relationship, email Sophia at or Fill out this form.

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